I exhaled.
I'd been holding my breathe for what felt like quite some time. It's entirely possible it were seconds though it seems more likely to be measured in years.
My fingers traced the outline of your Columbia Omni-Dry camp shirt. You've been so sick. Just last week you were in the hospital.
I feel scared.
I feel scared.
I read this thing about this guy whose partner died and he wore his clothes for forty years...they were worn out.
They said it was grief.
Without affect or any suitable segue I asked, "If you die can I have that shirt?"
"Yes", you replied not even pausing to peer away from the ipad and shoot me a "what the fuck kind of question is that" look.
I love that about you.
It's been a few weeks since I began writing this.
It's been a few weeks since I thought "What if Jim were gone?"
I don't usually have an issue adjusting to change. Rather, I'm quite adept at inviting change.
This past year I've experienced some major changes. Obviously, choosing to end my marriage to Peter's father was the biggest one. Reassessing the value of relationships, enacting tough boundaries, owning my shit, attempting to remedy it.
Year 35 has been quite the adventure.
Year 35 - the year I went home (but I didn't really), the year I went to Seattle (but I didn't really), the year I left Jen, the year I found you.
The year I stopped identifying myself as Autism Super-Mommy first or at all. The year Peter grew up and so did I.
The year I made a quesadilla and a peanut loaf and then lots of other things.
The year I didn't eat but then I did.
The impetus for these events came from within, the follow-through came from hope, and the conviction came from you.
On my way home from a bidders workshop in Raleigh today my iPhone shuffled through Bassnecter and Drake (ugh) and ultimately to Queen's "You're my best friend."
A deep hunger gnawed my stomach.
My best friend is gone. Jen is gone. I thought about pinging her. I knew if I told her our song was on she'd engage - she'd welcome my gesture. I'm the one in control in most of these situations. I'm the one who has to make the moves. I just needed to make one move and it would be okay.
I didn't. Because it wouldn't be okay. It won't ever be okay like I want it to be with her again.
I realized I was best-friend-less.
Except I'm not. I have you and Mora, Hartley, Wanda and Kate. I have Scott, Kathy, Lyndie and Emily. No doubt there are others. I do have people.
People who love me despite. Maybe people who love me because.
You beat your personal record, again. I don't often tell you I need anything from you. I know that need is a big word.
I need you to keep beating that record. I want you by my side. I can do it on my own, but I'd rather do it with you.
You're my best friend, Jim.
"You're My Best Friend"
Without affect or any suitable segue I asked, "If you die can I have that shirt?"
"Yes", you replied not even pausing to peer away from the ipad and shoot me a "what the fuck kind of question is that" look.
I love that about you.
It's been a few weeks since I began writing this.
It's been a few weeks since I thought "What if Jim were gone?"
I don't usually have an issue adjusting to change. Rather, I'm quite adept at inviting change.
This past year I've experienced some major changes. Obviously, choosing to end my marriage to Peter's father was the biggest one. Reassessing the value of relationships, enacting tough boundaries, owning my shit, attempting to remedy it.
Year 35 has been quite the adventure.
Year 35 - the year I went home (but I didn't really), the year I went to Seattle (but I didn't really), the year I left Jen, the year I found you.
The year I stopped identifying myself as Autism Super-Mommy first or at all. The year Peter grew up and so did I.
The year I made a quesadilla and a peanut loaf and then lots of other things.
The year I didn't eat but then I did.
The impetus for these events came from within, the follow-through came from hope, and the conviction came from you.
On my way home from a bidders workshop in Raleigh today my iPhone shuffled through Bassnecter and Drake (ugh) and ultimately to Queen's "You're my best friend."
A deep hunger gnawed my stomach.
My best friend is gone. Jen is gone. I thought about pinging her. I knew if I told her our song was on she'd engage - she'd welcome my gesture. I'm the one in control in most of these situations. I'm the one who has to make the moves. I just needed to make one move and it would be okay.
I didn't. Because it wouldn't be okay. It won't ever be okay like I want it to be with her again.
I realized I was best-friend-less.
Except I'm not. I have you and Mora, Hartley, Wanda and Kate. I have Scott, Kathy, Lyndie and Emily. No doubt there are others. I do have people.
People who love me despite. Maybe people who love me because.
You beat your personal record, again. I don't often tell you I need anything from you. I know that need is a big word.
I need you to keep beating that record. I want you by my side. I can do it on my own, but I'd rather do it with you.
You're my best friend, Jim.
"You're My Best Friend"
Ooo. you make me live
whatever this world can give to me
It's you, you're all I see
Ooo, you make me live now honey
Ooo, you make me live
You're the best friend
that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
You're my best friend
Ooo, you make me live
I've been wandering round
But I still come back to you
In rain or shine
You've stood by me girl
I'm happy, happy at home
You're my best friend.
You're the first one
When things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love
The things that you do
You're my best friend
Ooo, you make me live.
I'm happy, happy at home
You're my best friend
You're my best friend
Ooo, you make me live
You, you're my best friend.
